I have sat here and thought about how to start this post and nothing seemed to sound right! I’m sorry in advance, but this post is quite lengthy. I’m just going to write and see where I end up! Some of you may know that I am a pretty open book; you ask and I’ll tell! The reason I titled this post “Behind the Scenes” is because there is so much more behind everyone’s life than what you see on social media. I have been seeing a lot out there lately from other influencers or bloggers that talk about not comparing your life to others. Social media is normally a platform that we share all the good and not much of the bad. It’s so easy to get sucked in when you see one person with a certain lifestyle and you start wishing you had what they have. Deep down though, you have no idea what is really behind the scenes of their life.
I’ll get to my main reason for this blog post, which I feel sick even trying to type this. I tried talking to myself on the car ride home and even cried a little trying to put all the right words together to get me through this. Over the weekend I shared quite a bit of my normal stuff in my stories on Instagram and Facebook like I try to always do. Some days I am a little more active than others, but this weekend I tried staying busy with a positive outlook on everything. The past few weeks have been a little crazy to say the least. My hormones have been ON A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL! I said in previous posts about 2019 being THE year and really staying focused…and I know we are only 14 days in, but it has been extra hard because we had some unexpected news.
NEW YEARS DAY I took a pregnancy test because I had this gut feeling that something wasn’t right with my body. Several signs and symptoms you would chalk up to being pregnant had been in the back of my mind driving me crazy. I know those symptoms because I have two children and each one of those pregnancies I caught early. I truly didn’t think to take a test though because I had an IUD, which is a form of birth control that is good for several years. My specific IUD (Skyla) was good for three and I had only had it for a YEAR!
I puked one night after a Christmas party, which was very strange as I didn’t drink a lot. Then I had days where I was never feeling full…like at all, I just kept eating!!! Then I had several mornings and nights I would get this overwhelming feeling of being nauseous and I just KNEW something was not right…but I didn’t think I could be pregnant because again, I had the IUD. Nate and I had no thoughts of having any more children…or at least not right now. MAYBE down the road in the future, but DEFINITELY not this very moment. Our oldest will be SIX this weekend and our youngest just turned ONE in October…there were absolutely no thoughts of having two under two.
I was not expecting the word PREGNANT to actually pop up on that little test…because there was less than a 1% chance (0.02%-0.08% to be exact) that it could happen and who would have that I would be that person?! I was terrified, especially because I knew there were so many risks that I had read about when women become pregnant on an IUD. I was sick to my stomach AND I was trying to decide how to tell Nate and how I would tell my family, my friends, and my coworkers. I had so many thoughts come rushing to my head!
I ended up telling Nate and we both had the same mindset: whatever is meant to be is meant to be. I couldn’t get into the doctor’s office that day so I had to wait until the following day stressed and scared. I called my doctor’s office and explained what was going on and they wanted to see me immediately.
I went to the office, they checked my IUD and everything was in place so I was literally that 1% that got pregnant on it. They ran some blood work to check my HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) levels and they showed positive and basically told the doctor that I was indeed pregnant. Once that was all done I left and came back a couple days later for them to draw more of my blood, remove my IUD, and continue checking my levels to make sure they didn’t drop. The reason they wanted to check all of this was because getting pregnant on an IUD is high risk and there is actually a 50% chance that I could end up miscarrying.
I ended up having one scare that something wasn’t right so I went in and did more blood work, but left with good news that my levels were still rising. At this point, we were already getting excited to the point that we had told our parents and were just taking things day by day. We knew this baby was meant to be. Last week I had an appointment scheduled for an ultrasound to make sure everything was still running smoothly and that the gestational sac was on the inside of my uterus. Another scare for women with pregnancy while having the IUD is an ectopic pregnancy. This is when the fertilized egg attaches to somewhere else in your body like a fallopian tube. This can be seriously dangerous if it doesn’t get treated.
We were nervous, but excited to finally see something on the screen in front of us. I had got an ultrasound at one of the many other appointments I had, but they weren’t able to see anything yet. As the tech was doing my scan she kept taking several photos and I had no idea of what because everything was so blurry. She then mentions I was a little bit of a hard scan, so I was thinking she meant like she wasn’t going to be able to tell us anything because she couldn’t see what she needed to see to give us the right information. Well…she then says, “You’re gonna hate me when I say this, but I think I see TWO sacs.” PUMP THE BRAKES!!!!! You see what!?!?!
NEVER in my right mind did I see myself adding one so soon, but TWO??!!!! Now that is just crazy! The tech showed us what appeared to be two little sacs that were right next to each other and explained she wanted to show the doctor who would probably want to meet with us. Nate and I went downstairs to the main lobby and waited for about 45 minutes…it was a quick but long 45 minutes. We called both of our moms who were in as much shock as we were. It was so weird though because all I could do was smile and laugh at the same time. To think that I am the 1% that gets pregnant on this IUD, but also to be the one to get pregnant with twins.
We ended up meeting with the doc and even after several great visits we had previously, we ended up leaving this one office concerned and confused. Not only was my case rare, but it was all just so bizarre. Again, I had so many thoughts going through my head. I thought how on earth can I go back to work with this type of news?! I had a few hours with all of these what ifs and excited/scary thoughts that were consuming my mind. This didn’t get any better and actually came to a haltering stop when my doctor called me with news that the blood work showed that my levels had dropped…
I have been through a miscarriage before and I knew what that meant. When she called me I immediately could hear it in her voice that it wasn’t going to be good news. She basically told me that my levels should have been double what they were than the last blood draw and I was expecting to hear those numbers. They definitely didn’t go up at all and actually went down quite a bit, which is why I was questioning this whole thing. I already had it in my mind that God wanted me to have this other child…or two, whatever the case may be…but I truly wasn’t prepared to hear that things were going wrong since everything had been going right. There is no easy way to tell someone that type of news. It felt like life stopped for me and I tried so hard getting through that phone call without crying, but I just didn’t have it in me. I managed though as she told me what the next steps were to get through what was yet to come.
At that point I wanted to turn everything off and I wanted to shut everyone out and just lay in my bed and cry and cry and cry some more. I cried a few more times throughout the evening. I went to bed and woke up the next day with a little bit more positive outlook on life, which wasn’t easy but it also wasn’t hard. When I went through my last miscarriage, I was at a completely different stage in my life, I wasn’t stable mentally or physically in my relationship or in my relationship with myself. I did everything opposite of what I should have done. I took what was happening and turned it into a bigger issue than how I should have handled it.
I knew I couldn’t let that happen again. After all, I have two little girls that need me and a husband that I didn’t want to put through that again. I am blessed by all measures and I couldn’t forget that. Any baby is a blessing, but I reminded myself there was a reason for this and why this was happening. I tried really, really hard not to fixate on this and I will allow myself to grieve in my own way on my own time, which is currently just in silence. It’s hard and it is not something I take lightly. The rest of the weekend I slapped a smile on and chose to be grateful and deal with the miscarriage as it came. I spent time with my family and friends and tried to keep myself occupied. Don’t worry I got a lot of rest as well.
So as you can see, what you see on social media is NOT everything you think it is. Real life is happening so don’t take what you have for granted. Always be nice because you truly have no idea what someone is going through. I know that if my future holds more children, they will come when the time is right! BUT I still feel for every single woman that has gone through miscarriage. I pray that you are able to find happiness and find the strength to get through this. God has a plan and don’t ever forget that! It was really hard for me to write this post because there is so much more to it, but I think it’s safe to say it’s long enough…for now. For all of you who have or are going through this please feel free to reach out to me. I understand and I would love to learn more on your journey and what you did to get through this.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I will talk to you all soon! XOXO